the_untitled

... and the day I might join them

I have had a resolve of sorts lately, to write, to vent, to complain. The same thoughts keep swirling around, only to be disrupted by a couple of minor distractions. That's life right? But after many months of thinking and thinking about it, I'm gonna re-open the_untitled files... officially

I was initially motivated one day by randomly talking with a friend about my life as it were all those years ago, and how a blog was a great part of my life. I think we've all grown up a little during this time, but I think we can all agree while a blog does not truly represent who you are, it can help you be the person you would like to be. So as we reminisced about the good old days, I opened up and and took a trip down memory lane. Funny how I would look back and think fondly when all I seemed to see was two, three, five entries a day of incessant whining. Funny huh?

So I examined that a little... Why would I love to complain about so much, yet love every minute of it? In a world where it seems to have lost it's soul, maybe it's the last thing we think we have. A place to get angry, to feel sorry for ourselves, to say the inappropriate things, and maybe... just maybe... have an audience. I never fully understood why this outlet, of all the possible ways to express these feelings is the one that fits me the best, but I can't deny my love for it.

I decided to throw up the journal entries that I have written over the last two or three years. I'm not done yet, but the most recent ones are up already, and may paint an interesting picture lately. It's the bi-product of a rather jaded couple of years. I'm back in Newcastle, the place of so many happy memories. The first couple of months have been a rose coloured journey of nostalgia and hope. And hey... when you haven't had candy in such a long time, no one can tell you that all it contains is sugar that will rot your teeth and give you diabetes.

So the honeymoon is over, and it's time to get down to business. All the financials are now locked in, plans have been made, boxes have been ticked. But I still feel a little empty... The obvious reasons are the easiest to spot. I've recently turned 30, I'm now five years married, I've started the creative pursuit of photography about ten years later than you're average enthusiast, I've been working the same job for 5 years, and of course I've had more drugs in two years than I had in the ten years before it. All reasons for some level of concern. However I can't help but feel those reasons are simply superficial accessories to the root cause of my ... numbness. I say numbness because it's not sadness or fear, it's just the unbearable feeling of feeling absolutely nothing

I feel like I have trained myself, (fucking well I might add) to withhold the truth from those around me. I did this because it was a self preservation tool. Better to be liked for something fake than be hated for anything at all.. right? Yeah I know I was fucking stupid, but you wanna do the best thing for your friends, your wife, and what you think is best for your environment. So when you fight for that world, and that world comes crashing down, and you're on your own again, can you remember the guy you were before everything changed?

And so the journey begins... Some may say that I have a loving wife, and that they would kill for such a thing. Some might even go as far to say that you have it the best you've ever had in your life. Don't get me wrong I love my wife, I love my marriage, and I would do anything, and have proven this over the test of time. But without an identity, without self, then you're an absentee landlord, with everything to claim as yours, but none of you left to claim it, to enjoy it, to love it. So what I am referring to is that, me, my identity, my soul, my place.

I've been out since the move, finding old friends and trying to re-kindle old friendships. I try to cram in a four year absense in four hours, and it seems I try to cram in a months drinking into one night too. Maybe it's nerves, I certaintly don't have the confidence I used to, that is shot to shit. Above all it feels anything but natural, and my laughter is forced, like pushing a mobile phone through a wall of marshalls, it comes out all distorted.

The first time I put it down to the overeagerness, the next a fluke, the next a bad run, now I think I might have a problem. I have wanted to seek therapy for what appears to be a problem, but I felt that I couldn't find a councilor that I could afford, and Kel was already using one for herself. I tried to do the selfless thing and have her seen to first, now it appears I may be paying for it. I now have got the number of a bulk billed councilor, I will be calling them, but that hasn't happened yet. Now I know I should have done this about a year ago.

So until that starts, I stumble into my new computer room, among the suitcases, the unopened boxes, and the mess of paperwork where I soon hope to have a creative den. I put on my hat and my headphones, grab a glass of wine, and I write. You know it actually feels quite nice. And so with that, this appears to be the opening of a new chapter. I'm not sure how long this is going to last, and I certainly don't know how it ends. But it's a footprint in the sand, for as long as the winds allow it to stay, and that's enough for now.

It's been eight weeks since I moved to Newcastle, and about five weeks since my girl is back. We've been living the simple life, with exception of a couple of nights at a local pub, and my monthly visit to Sydney to work the clubs. This is mainly due to the fact that we've only got the one income at this stage, but that will eventually change, just a matter of time. To be honest I haven't had a major desire to go out much anyways. The lure of an amazing house and the chance to really unwind far outweighs any want to get messed up and party.

Having Kellie back by my side has been amazing. There's just something about her presence that makes me feel a little more whole. Whether I be on the Macbook on the couch, asleep in bed, or out at the pub, even if we're not talking or even interacting at all, I feel better to have her around. The six week break from each other was tough, I would say a little too tough, and we both agreed that we shall never spend a longer time away from each other ever ever again. It did however offer some perspective on what it's like by ourselves or with others, and sometimes I think it's good to be reminded of that from time to time.

The events of the 6 months previous to that is now just a distant memory. I no longer feel angry about what happened, and I certainly have no regrets. It was simply one of those things. Kel and I went down to Sydney last Friday, and in the process caught up with some friends. I know that in some cases my girl is still quite angry about things said and done to her, and I'm not going to stop her from feeling that way. She hasn't had the time to process everything yet, whereas I have been dealing with it head-on since it began. With that I can understand there was a little nervousness in meeting friends near the situation for the first time since her return from New York. For me personally I have exercised the demons, and have said what I felt needed to be said. Even that said we had a great time, and I could tell Kel was really excited to catch up with everyone.

Through the afternoon we caught up with Dom and the kids. Dom's coming up to live in Newcastle too. It'll be so great to have her around, it's a laugh riot whenever she's around. Her motivations to move out of Sydney are the same as ours, so there a greater understanding there. Don decided to shoot off early from his house so we missed him, we'll have to catch up later. Then it was off to our old stomping ground in Newtown to the Bank. It was great to see Adam, and I had a really good chat with Meggles. Meg actually put the best perspective on everything, and really showed how she understands me, it actually reminded me of those night backs in Newcastle at the Del. Charlotte stopped by with their friend Kelly, Charlottle seemed a little nervous in speaking to me, pretty sure I know what's behind that, but eh whadya gonna do? Ran into Adam Coverdale up on the decks and had a good laugh. Kel got to catch up with Yas, and I dropped the girls off at Bondi, while I went into the cross to shoot 'Twilight' at Moulin Rouge. It was a much better deal than last month. This young kid was putting together a clever little set, and I also got to meet with Cami as well, it seems a friend of his. I had seen her at Chinese Laundry where she promotes and is friends with a lot of my friends, and she was lovely. It was a good crowd, and got sufficiently mobbed. I then headed back to Yasmin's house in Bondi for drinks and fun. Yasmin's flatmate Mel came home from the club where she DJs, and had some fun as well. Turns out I know Mel through a chance meeting with a friend I knew on LJ years ago, small world huh?

I spend many nights driving along the F3, thinking about the kinds of things that Kel is processing right now. I asked myself many questions like, "Where have all my friends gone?", "Were the people in my life friends to begin with? Or did I just pander to their needs?". I started to get some quality time away from everything, and as I spend some with myself, it became apparent to me that not only did the answers to those questions not matter, but neither did the questions. And then all of a sudden something happened, I felt like I unlocked a large padlocked door, to which opened up a piece of my mind I haven't explored in a long time. I'm not sure if it was being back in a town where my mind was at the most fertile, or if it was simply less stress in my life, but it worked!

So when I travel down the F3 for my jobs, and to catch up. I do shoot out txts and emails to those people in Sydney, but I'm not awaiting their reply anymore. If people are too busy, then that's fine. If people have a problem with the way I act, that's fine too. At the end of the day there is a world of folks that make me a better person, and those people have a place in their life for me, no conditions, no strings.

I think that people can get so caught up in giving the impression that they are successful in their lives, that they can forget what actually makes them happy. Unless you are the kind of person that only finds happiness in giving off the best impression, in which case you're not the kind of person I care to know. Just watching you jump back and forth makes even my legs tired. Once I got off the merry-go-round I realised that the kinds of things that make me happy, are not the same as the person next to me. And that you just can't judge a measure of happiness or success on a common ruler, that's simply yours and yours alone to figure out.

I'm on my way to a better place... I think. I know.

And I know because it's one I know is my own.

Someone give me a valium and wake up when this is all done. This shit is stressing me OUT! Last week seemed to be the constantly riddled with sleep interruptions, I think I had about an average of 4 hours sleep a night. Work was really nice and put on a lunch for me, and on the last day at Head Office everybody wished me well. Everyone was asking me if I was excited about the move. To be honest I am so busy with the move that I haven’t even begun to think about all the new opportunities I have. And so with my old job done, and my last club gig for the month. I woke on Saturday to pack the car, finish some odd jobs and headed off to Newcastle.

It was great to have a quiet beer at my old local with my old best friend. I did get to spend a couple of hours really taking everything in... it was nice, really nice. But ever since then it’s been flat out!

I started work on Monday, squeezing in rental property enquiries through lunch breaks and right after work. After work it’s more phone calls trying to get poor Ziggy fed, trying to organise people to fix things around the house when I’m not there to let them in. Finalise moving arrangements, disconnections, and changes to accounts. Now I’m starting to view properties I’m now trying to get identification from Kel, talking to people about references, and filling out 2 x application forms to for every property we like. Not to mention still trying to find time to purchase the eTag from the RTA, and continuing to pack. In short, it’s a constant 8am-9pm workload every day of the week.

So you’ll excuse me if I’m a little absent minded over the next week or two.

I really wanna get everything sorted before Kel gets back, but it’s not looking like that will happen. Don’t get me wrong I’m making progress, but it’s too high a hill to climb to have a place, rent paid, placed cleared and repairs done, things moved, and jobs found for both Kel and I. It’s all a bit too much, not without a single day off from work.

We’ll get there, but it would be really sweet to cut a little break...

So over the weekend I finally heard back from Nic. I was actually relieved to finally hear from her. However she wrote a text message requesting that I take off my blog entries outlining how Kellie and I came about dissociating ourselves from D.

In the message she does reveal that I did in fact hit her. With so much information to process and the fact I was out photographing a club at the time, I didn’t really get a chance to absorb the messages until I got home late, and was on the phone to Kellie about it.

I discovered that someone had made a comment on my blog, my very first comment in a very long while! (I didn’t even think people actually read my journal these days). Turns out it was D, only D calls Nic, ‘Nicole’. Within the comment he does outline a little clearer when and how I actually hit her. Like I have said in the past, I trust this man as far as I can throw him, but the admission from Nic puts things in an entirely different light.

Edit - I later find out that it wasn't D at all, to which came a back and forth of comments from other people (not D) claiming everything from how I'm an angry man to an immature child with anger management issues, along with claims that I have hit Kel in the past, and that I will continue to do it again. You'll understand this is now deleted.

So it is with regret, that it seems that I have come into contact with Nic. She’s been hit by me and it gave her a fat lip. I still don’t know how it went down, and it was certainly not intentional, but something must of happened as I banged on the door to get out of the house. However intentional or not, it was uncalled for, and for that I am truly sorry. I shot a text off to Nic a little while ago saying this.

Wow! Look I’m not happy how things went down. There is clearly a difference of opinion in the group, to mine on the subject of blogging, and for that I am well aware of how furious some people are at me. To some of those some, don’t worry the feeling is mutual, but to some it isn’t, and it’s those people that I feel bad for. But I blog, have been doing so for 7 years, and I will just have to accept that they may not want to be friends for that very reason. I certainly hope that isn’t the case, but I’m gonna have to live and let live.

I’m not a perfect guy, and I never want to be. I do things, I say things, I write things. People have been taking offense to things I say for many years now. There are times where I look back and think ‘would things have been better had I not written anything or said anything?’. But the thing is, I have spent the last 12 months censoring myself in pretty much every aspect of my life, and that has sent me backwards, depressed, and borderline insane. So I write, I do it publicly because it’s raw, and it comes from the heart.

...nothing to hide

I feel like there are a great many things behind me now, some I’m sad to see go, others I’m glad it’s over, and some things unfortunately just don’t wanna shake regardless of how much I want them out of my head, or out of my life.

Saturday night was nothing short of epic. It started out on a sad note though when I see Nic’s Facebook status pop up on my screen. Should it bother me so much that despite the pain and heartache Kel and I have withstood during the fighting with friends of hers, and the confusion Kel and I have had to process due to the fact that she has disappeared from our radar without so much as a text message to let us know she’s OK, that it seems that via these updates life goes on as if nothing has ever happened. I keep thinking that when she mentions that she has a pile of emails and messages to go through, that mine will be one of them. But 4 weeks turns into 6, into 8... and I’m going crazy wondering what the fuck is going on. I’m at the point not that I’d be better off if she literally told me to just fuck off and leave her alone, that way I would know what’s going on and just be done with it. But without knowing... anything... it’s doing my head in. I was on the phone to Kel the morning after, and it’s bringing her to tears. I think that in this case, if Nic isn’t strong enough to face the situation, then I’m just gonna have to cut the cord myself. And with that, I had a shot of vodka, shook the past, and got on with the night!

First stop was Chinese Laundry. Keli Hart was opening Laundry, and I decided to do one more guest shoot of the club. It was great to see her, it’s been months, and Alex was there too. Got a chance to explain what I’d been doing with myself, and where I’m heading. The surprise was to see Matty Nugent doing the main set at Laundry, I didn’t think I would see him before I left! I mentioned the Newcastle move, and he had some choice advise to give me about the clubs up there (Matt hailed from Newcastle originally), which was really good to know. Keli finished her set, I rocked the photos, and we split a cab over to Kings Cross. I gave her a big hug, and she headed off to Moulin, while I hit my second gig at The Cross for Lookin’ Good.

The crowd wasn’t massive, but all the regulars were there, and we were all in the party mood. I took my shots, downed camera, and had me some dance floor for a change. Caught up with Mark while he did his Bulletproof Room set, and who should be there tonight but his girl Steph. Was great to actually have a conversation with her, she hardly ever comes out for these things, she’s lovely. Things started to wind up so I grabbed a lift with Mark and Steph back over to Laundry for a bit of fun.

It was great to pay homage to the great club. I’ve had so many happy memories here and it seemed a shame to spoil my opinion of the place based on a couple of bad experiences bought about by those who are now out of my life. And so I just started dancing away and having a classic old time by myself. As the night would, as I was ready to call it. A random girl decided to say hi. Turns out she and her friend were out from the UK and wanted to know where else to party. So I thought... when else am I gonna go to Spice... so I swing by home to get a drink, drop off the camera, and we shard a cab back to Kings Cross.

As the three of us are waiting outside Spice, who should come out the door but the crew from Lookin’ Good upstairs. So we get to talking, introductions all round, and the boys and girls suggest a house party around the corner. Yes please. I leave the UK girls off at Spice and head down the windy streets of Darlinghurst. We get inside, meet all these people I’ve been seeing once a month for over a year, and never actually got to talk to, good times were had. Then friend of mine Jamie suggests we head back to Spice...Why not! So we fight through the lines (yes lines at 7am!) and make our way in. I couldn’t believe the amount of people we saw in there, including Mark! He tells me that he wanted to check out the tunes as he was playing there next week (Mark Dynamix at Spice, who woulda thunk it?). After I caught up with everybody and had a bit of dance I parted ways with Jamie and headed back to the party.

Some people had crashed but Adam and Jane hadn’t, and we proceeded to have nice long chats out in the garden, told them the whole situation that had gone with myself over the last couple of months. Even at 9am everybody sympathised with my situation, and for once at a strange hour on a Sunday for the first time in a long time, I felt comfortable talking to people who gave you the time of day, and truly understood. It’s almost a sense a relief when you realise that you might not be all alone in this world after all. So as I finally felt myself start to fade, I said my goodbyes, and proceeded to head back home, but not without taking a morning stroll along Darlinghurst Rd, just to soak it all up one last time. I felt I had said goodbye.

So before getting a bite to eat at Maccas, Kel calls me! I proceed to talk her head off about the goings on of the night, in between mouthfuls of pancakes. With the train changes I think I finally got in the door at about 11am.... Well satisfied.

A few days later... Reality came back. Very little sleep on Monday night and due to some software issues I was completely behind in photography deadlines, the house was a mess, and then out of nowhere Don tells me him and the real estate agent have already arranged a start date for the change of lease. I mean yay! But no one had had spoken to me about this. Fuck! How the hell was I going to find a place in Newcastle AND vacate in just two weeks? Why people feel the need to omit details for my benefit is beyond me, cause it’s not my benefit.

Anyways after several phone calls and an email later, which then had me even further behind schedule, the misunderstanding around the lease change was resolved. Leaving me very tired and off to the shops, I put ‘Hide and Seek’ on the iPhone and somewhere between Newtown and Marrickville, I just thought of Kel and burst out crying. I miss her, I miss her all the time, and the truth be known, I’m a bit of a mess without her. Only Kel can take my incoherent babble and make some sense of it. Only Kel can fix all my issues with a single look. Only my Kel knows me inside and out, and when she’s around... I’m just... better.

So I turn on Tiesto ‘Elements of Life’ up really really loud and just jumped around in my house, more tears came, and hard. But after about an hour later I slumped on the couch. a little better. I’m gonna get through this, I am determined to stay true, despite all those around me that are determined to tell me better about myself. I will have my Kellie back, refreshed from NY and we will move forward, together, stronger.

And now back to business....

They’re right you know, one is the loneliest number.

So it’s almost been a week since Kel flew off to New York, and I it hasn’t been easy. The first couple of days I was a wreck, expending any nervous energy I had in my system, cleaning, photos, paperwork, more cleaning, texting everybody, Facebooking everybody, cleaning again...

I’m now sleeping on a couch, and between that and the nervous energy found it very different to sleep. I did manage to have a big Friday night, Don came out with me to my regular club night covering photos, and this time hung out after for a drink. Don’t know if it was the doubles Don was shouting me, or the drink cards flying my way, or maybe just the nervous energy having me drink way too fast, but I got good and drunk, and boy did I feel it the next day. I think Saturday is actually when it hit me hard, I realised I just wasn’t the same without my girl around.

Basically non-responses from all those I had texted in the heat of my nervousness, kinda stung a little bit. To think that Kel had already left Sydney, and these are my last weeks here, such a non-response really gives you the feeling that friendships are quite fickle in this town. I had given it some thought, after all I have a lot of time to think. It really started to confirm what I had already thought about Sydney, and precisely why I don’t think it’s the right fit for me.

Sydney to me feels like Europe, lots of small little lands with very finite and precise cultures. Everyone lives in close proximity, and there are hallmark signs that they are in fact.. seen as one. If you’ve been truly accepted by those in your group, your family, your network, and you have plenty in common, then you will never feel more accepted and loved than in this town. However as you cross the border it is abundantly clear how much you differ from everybody else, and if you’re not in, you are definitely out. And it is for the reason that I feel like a tourist, cruising from one country to the next, trying to find my comfort with those around me by fitting in, but I end up crossing to the next border feeling as much of a stranger as I did before. My kind of personality just doesn’t seem to fit anywhere.

The living situation paints a very vivid picture of how things used to be. It’s one thing to live away from my wife for some time, but add the extra brushstrokes of living on a couch, with a flatmate, cooking and cleaning for one, and the absence of anyone resembling a good close friend, things very much feel like 7 years ago. It really does shock you into realising how much things have changed, and how you wish some things stayed the same. It makes you feel a little uncomfortable, but nevertheless I think I’ll be a better person for going there.

So this weekend marks the last for many things. It’ll be the last time I cover any club nights in Sydney on a Saturday, and the last time I cover Lookin’ Good, previously one of my favourite club nights over the last year or two. It feels like somewhat of an anti-climax, no one really has responded much in the way of partying hard with me, and maybe the best thing to do is just go there, and let what will be, will be. But I have a feeling things will be forever changed after this weekend, and maybe more lasts than I know or understand.

We’ll see...

It’s Easter Monday, and this is the last full day Kel and I have together for 6 weeks. We’ve never spent a night apart since we met way back in December 2003. This isn’t gonna be easy. Kel flies out to New York on Thursday. And then I’m on couches from then on in, until I find a new place. I’ve made myself available for work on May 11th, and then it’s house hunting time. I’ve got lots of work to keep me busy, and just as well, cause I’m not sure what I’m gonna do with myself when I’m done with my work week and the club photos, and it’s just me and the cat in a quiet house.

Kel will have an amazing time, I have no doubt. In New York, with her Mum, her sister, and both her niece's. Away from the stresses of her work, and the dramas that have followed her over the last 6 months. It’s something that she desperately needs, In many ways I feel that being 5 years her senior, that my life experiences often eclipse hers. Sometimes I wish I could just show her the way to deal with those new experiences, and save her all the pain and stress of having to deal with it herself. But we all know that’s useless, you need to go through you’re own shit. However I have seen her grow and change and deal with an amazing amount of situations lately, and to be honest she seems a little drained, and am so glad she can get the rest.

And for that reason I welcome her break, and happily take care of business back home. Sure there’s a part of me that is excited at the concept of possibly staying out a little late, spending a bit more time at the pub with the boys, cranking up the tunes I love, and indulging in a little loner time, something others fear and dread, but I relish, even in public places.

Then there is the fact... that I will miss her. Sure we love each other, but when you form a bond, the likes of which we have, it goes beyond that. Kel stops becoming the object of your affection, and simply becomes the larger part of yourself. You don’t even feel like a couple, it’s just.. you. So when your girl leaves you, if just for a little while, it’s like going in for surgery and then waking up to have parts of you missing. And I’m sure at first sitting in my hospital room it wont seem all that different. But in time it will.

I love her so much.

A lot of people have been asking me... What happened in the last month or so that has caused all the drama? With me, I prefer to absorb all the facts before casting opinions or judgements, and well... I feel like I’ve given it enough time. So I’m gonna lay it out for you.

Part 1 - The backstory...

Over the past year, I have spent almost every spare hour with a group of friends. They are completely unconventional, crazy, funny, outrageous, emotional, and sharp witted. I’ve always been a fan of imperfect people, it’s all their flaws that I love, just as long as it comes from a honest place. We would stay up late, very late, into the morning on most weekends, getting up to no good, making fun, telling jokes, on occasion get a little deep. My wife would often spend most of the night with them, as I was off working the clubs, and then I’d rock up afterwards. She had been especially close to them, and it’s very difficult to let her guard down.

Towards the winter of last year things didn’t seem so fun anymore. The jokes turned into insults, the laughter turned into tears, white lies flowed around the group like water, and slowly I was starting to feel that everybody’s guard was up. The first girl that I felt who put her guard up around me was N. Now this in itself wasn’t a major deal, due to the fact N was best friends with my wife, and inadvertently anything said to Kel would eventually come up in conversation to me. N moved in with her new best friend D, which turned out to be a good little exchange, as N was living with M, and D was living with A, so A and M moved together as well. D was in a long term relationship with R, whom we are also friends with, and D and R still remain friends, R was a little nervous about N moving in the D. Many arguments were had preceding the move, and it seemed that the only people that supported the move was that of Kel and I. As you can imagine, D and N had a lot of frustrations and tears over the ordeal, and we felt we were kind and patient friends, allowing them to get it out. After all, who else were they going to turn to?

Despite our ever increasingly dire financial situation, me working 60 hour weeks, and both of us on barely minimum wage, combined with the late night sessions of arguments, crying and heartache, we were completely spent. We had almost dropped all other commitments with other friends so we could be there for D and N, and as a result, when we needed friends to really listen to our situation, no one really did. We did by some stretch resolve the differences between us, but I never felt as close to them since then. But they were good party friends, and afterwards continued to party with them.

Then the living situation with them got... weird. A friend of D’s moved in, then a friend of his friend moved in, and then her partner did as well. N didn’t know how to handle 5 people living in essentially a 2 bedroom house. Combined with the partying, the late nights, and the battle for personal space, things just stopped becoming fun at all. Kel and I kept visiting when we could, but didn’t stay too late and definitely not as long. I almost stopped the partying altogether and I just worked the clubs before driving home. I started to feel like a tourist in my close group of friends.

I felt like N wasn’t telling me anything anymore, and D would confess to being a good friend at every chance he got, but his actions didn’t show it at all. D would fight with N almost every chance we were around, N would get upset, Kel would try and be there for her, and I would come running from wherever I was to be there for Kel. Whenever I would try and intervene in the fighting I felt like I would just get preached to by D and N. It seemed to come out like I didn’t understand the situation, the people involved, and at times, anything at all. I got rather despondent and just gave up trying. I hit rock bottom soon after that.

D started dating a new man, and he increasingly got nasty at N. Now N and I have a history, and despite the fact she was cagey around me, I did, and do still care for her, and she was Kel’s best friend. I did not like anyone treating her this way. Almost every effort made on her part to make D happy was met with distain, and I began to see an ugly side to D that I have never seen before. D’s new man seemed sweet at first, but after Xmas I saw his actions, and they were of a snake, he looked like he almost enjoyed N’s misfortune, and that really bugged me.

The last night that we enjoyed together would have to have been in January this year, when Dave and Arlene came to visit from the UK, and we all partied into the morning, having an amazing time. Their presence, it seemed, put a hold to all the bickering, the fighting, the insults and the tears. But it would all change after that...

Part 2 - The spilt...

After a serious of incidents following the blow up between N and D after the get together with Dave and Arlene, and pretty much every weekend after that, prompted Kel and myself to stop going over the D’s house. We missed their company, but could not bear to hear any more fighting and bickering from them. All the while N would give Kel updates (as she does), in the process we hear of a noise complaint from the Police. This in turn prompts the household to be in complete shutdown mode, as another warning would see a whopping great fine.

So instead we invite N out with us almost every chance we get, if nothing else but to give her escape from the madness that had become to house she lives in. D had decided to spend almost every minute with the new boyfriend, and we heard word that the new boyfriend was being increasingly nasty at N, so we figured we would stay well clear of them. It was evident that something was seriously wrong, when Kel and I come over to D’s house, just to pick N up, only to get death stares from D’s boyfriend. We literally had to have a glass of wine from the confides of N’s bedroom, before skulking out the door. We had a great night, and mutual friends joined us later on back at our place, we could finally start to relax a little without the usual bitchiness going on.

As a couple of weeks passed, we saved up some money to go on our much needed holiday, and I had a feeling everyone else was doing the same thing. I decided to take 3 weeks off, and I just finished work on the last Friday before my break. We were kicking back at home when Kel said N had invited us over to the house. With the battering of insults and the amount of tears that N had shed over the last couple of months we figured she could do with someone in her corner. Plus we hadn’t seen everyone in about a month and thought with time under the belt that things might be different. As we knock on the door N literally answers it with “wow, everyone is a lot of fun at the moment”, sarcastically. But we come in anyways.

The whole crew was there, short of A and M, whom in hindsight was lucky not hear to see this mess. Drinks were had, small talk was made. I was getting bored as I became increasingly aware that no topic of conversation ever hit on anything I am remotely interested in, so I got into the wine. I was drunk, well drunk. Without my involvement the fighting started up... again. At first I tried to do what I’ve been doing for the last 6 months, playing peace keeper and generally just getting the fighting to stop. Then small jibes came my way essentially inferring that I didn’t know what I was talking about. So I snapped...

I told D’s boyfiend to stop calling N a bitch, then I told N to shut up, then D to shut up, then Kel to shut up. In fact I was in anybody’s face who was speaking up at all. I have HAD ENOUGH! I told them all quite plainly that this was ridiculous and that before another word was spoken to think about what you’re doing. I threatened to leave, and nearly did. In hindsight I probably should have, but they were silent before I turned the handle. In invited D to speak first because it was his house. I thought it was the right thing to do, another gift in hindsight I should not have given to him.

They spoke civilly for about... 5 minutes. I stuck around for about 2... I went into the courtyard to listen to some music and just get away. Kel came out to join me in the courtyard. I apologised for telling her to shut up, but I had to be fair and even with everybody, and at that point anyone talking was moving things backward. She understood. She went back in to the fray for about 10 minutes, before returning to the courtyard, asking me to go, as she couldn’t take any more of this shit either.

So we announce that we’re leaving, D goes to bail me up and get all ‘sweetie sweetie’ with me, telling me it’s OK. It’s at that point that I can’t bullshit any longer. I tell him straight that these parties are bullshit, the behaviour is ridiculous, and people are getting hurt in the process. Nothing is changing, and no things are not OK, sort it out for fucks sake. He doesn’t like that, telling me he doesn’t like my tone, to which I promptly tell him I couldn’t give a fuck what he thinks, it’s the truth, SORT IT OUT! As D gets in my face I stand my ground, and I see Kel coming at me, she wanted to defend me and tell D the very same thing, but this is my fight. I go to brush her to the side to keep her away from the fight, when she falls hard to the floor. The next part is a blur... we have D’s boyfriend holding Kel down on the floor, N screaming at D’s boyfriend to get out of the way, and D screaming at me. Seeing N keeping Kel safe I continue to make my point with D, saying that if you’ve got a problem with anyone, have a go at me, to which he throws a punch, and collects me just above the side of the mouth.

Now I may not be the best fighter in the world, but I’ve had some experience taking a few shots in the past, and this one felt like a feather. Kel later informed me though that it had my mouth filled with blood, and when she eventually was let up my D’s boyfriend she wanted to come with me. But I was so furious at what had just happened I just wanted to get out. I proceeded to scream to ‘let me out’, and at first no one was listening to me, a theme it seems existed all the way till the very end. After I banged at the door a few times N eventually unlocked the door for me, and Kel came after me. I can understand how concerned she was for me, but I was just so mad I wanted to run away, I knew she would be safe with them, Kel had a different relationship with the people in that house, and I always felt like somewhat of an outsider. She fell to the round begging me to come with, but I couldn’t. I told her to go back, I turned and I ran.

When I slowed up I was well passed Redfern Train Station and started the long pace back up to Stanmore. 10 minutes in I receive a call from D. He kept telling me to come back, but I promptly told him what I thought of the situation, and that I was going home. I told him all the things I had been meaning to say for the last 3 months, it was a long list. And for all purposes it seemed like it got through, he even apologised for all the things that had happened, for hurting N, for his boyfriend’s behaviour, and even not listening to me. It was a long call, which put my phone dead as soon as I was done. I had told Kel earlier on in the night that this might happen, so she knew to grab a cab home when I got home. When I get home, drained, drunk, and emotional, I passed out on the couch.

Some time later the door swings open which wakes me up, Kel and N come in. N sees that I’m OK, hugs Kel goodbye and heads back home. Kel then tells me that D had told her that he had made a second phone call, and on that I wasn’t breathing. Kel panicked and bolted out to the first cab her and N could find. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but when I came to the next day I checked and their was no second phone call, the batteries were dead. The other question in hindsight was D asking me over the phone if I were gay? It felt like a loaded question, and it’s not the first time he (or others around him) have questioned the validity of my marriage.

We were both a wreck the next day, welcome to the start of my 3 week break right? Luckily for me I had a week of nothing before we were due to drive up to the Gold Coast, which afforded me a lot of thinking. After a week of thinking, and a wonderful week along the coast with my girl we really had a good chance to talk over what had just happened. With some fresh perspective we realised that if there was a time to move to Newcastle, as we had intended to soon, that now is the right time. Our jobs were coming to dead ends, money was hard to find, costs were high, and our friends are hurtling for a tragic end. It was time to go.

Part 3 - The aftermath...

Three weeks completely away from all the drama, the fighting, and the parties was absolute bliss. And was ready to head back to work, put in my notice and get ready to start our lives again. Kel had booked a flight to NY, I felt she really needed to see her Mum, and as much as I would have liked to go, bills needed to be paid, and we certainly didn’t have the money for two tickets. It also afforded me some time to go househunting, and it’s easier to stay on people’s couches when it’s just me. It goes without saying I’m gonna miss the hell out of her, it feels like Kel has been the one pillar of strength throughout this entire ordeal.

A friend from Newcastle and mutual friend of N, wanted to catch up on Sunday night at our house before resuming work. The four of us had a drink or two. We broke the news to N of our moving plans, and she was really happy for us. Then N gets a call from D, he asks if he and the b/f could come over. To be honest Kel was a little stunned that he would want to, and after our phone call I felt like everything had been resolved, so we said sure. So D and the b/f rock up, clearly drunk, complaining about the state of our house, the heat, the smell, the cat, pretty much anything really. We decided to be patient with him in the spirit of making up.

Our friend says his goodbyes, after all it’s approaching 11pm and we’ve got to get to work in the morning. So the rest of us decide to have one more drink before winding it up. The conversation turns to our plans to go to Newcastle. D looks horrified, and starts to get very agitated at the concept. We explain the reasons behind it, but that isn’t good enough for him. So then we explain that Kel is heading to NY for 6 weeks while I set up house in Newcastle, then things get ugly. D starts accusing this holiday as a cop out, and the move as running away, then proceeding to scream at me, accusing me of hitting Kel twice! I’m absolutely stunned. Kel tells D and b/f to get the fuck out of our house. I can’t look D in the eye, for fear that I’ll beat the living shit out of him for saying such things. Just before he storms out turns to N and says ‘you made me come over and do this’, and ‘tomorrow you can move out’.

Trying my best to hold back the anger I had at what just went down, and that of Kel’s as well. We pulled it together and put our energies into N, who was sobbing uncontrollably at what had just transpired. We told her that we didn’t believe that she did or said anything of the sort, and that we are always here for her and that if she needed time away or even a place to stay. After about half hour later she calmed down and left.

Well now the floodgates opened, I couldn’t not believe what he had just accused me of. I decided in the spirit of friends, that given my behaviour three weeks previous that we can put one strike in both our boxes, and that were are even. But if he pulled that crap one more time we would be done. At 2am I get a phone call, it’s really late so I let it go through to voicemail. The voicemail was scathing, it was D daring me to be a man and call back, and accusing me of hitting women . Well I saw red, he wants to go there NOW? You got it! So I ring him back up (like a man) and tell him exactly what happened that night three weeks ago. As I’m half way through explaining in great detail what happened to Kel that night, he interrupts me, telling me I’m a fool and that he’s talking about N... ‘WHAT?’ I reply. I never came anywhere near N. So I ask him to explain himself, I would never lay a hand on N, he just kept saying I knew what I did and that I’m a wife beater. In the last shred of decency I had left in me I calmly tell him not to call me a wife beater, there are things that have happened in my past that I can’t fully explain. Those things make accusations like those cut me deep and hurt more than you know. In the next breath he tells me that I hit women and I know what I did, then proceeds to hang up. So I call him back to simply say “dude we’re done”

And we are.

I replayed the incident in my mind a thousand times. I kept thinking to myself... Did I really do those things? But how could I? I nearly killed a guy for laying a hand on my (girl) friend once, I’m not proud of it but I just saw red, I can’t stand any man laying any hand on a woman. I tortured myself for literally two weeks, I couldn’t sleep, it was all I could think about. Kel on the other hand was not so kind, she was furious at what had happened that night, and she would tell me at every opportunity how I didn’t even come close to hitting anyone, least of all her.

And so with a little perspective on the matter, I decided to text N to make sure that should anything have happened, I wanted to hear it straight from her. If in fact I did do anything that could be even considered a hit, I would take it on the chin and make it up any way I knew how. I sent a few messages asking for time where she could freely speak her mind. She said now wasn’t a good time and I responded by asking her be sure to let me know when it is a good time, because this is very important. She did not respond.

I tried to txt N on the night of my birthday, assuming that she would be the only one from the group of people that would turn up, given D’s attention seeking behaviour I would assume he would make them all choose. Yes you heard right, that’s EXACTLY what he is likely to do, the man is 40 years old for christ sake, we’re not in high school anymore. I was pleasantly surprised that R and M did actually turn up and we had a great time. N did not respond to my message.

Kel (god love her) decided to jump in and try and get N’s attention. We were worried about her, after all the last time we saw her she was in hysterical tears, if nothing more we just wanted to see if she was alright. So Kel sends her a message, N responds with “sorry couldn’t make it, with all the dramas going on I decided to stay at home and do nothing”. This to my knowledge is the last time Kel or myself have heard from her at all.

I do not want to talk to D ever again, and even if I did I could never believe a single word that came out of his mouth. I don’t want to be in the same room as him, for fear that I’ll jump anything standing in my way and rip the fuckers head off. How dare he try to hurt my girl, question my marriage, and my life. What gives you the right to play with people’s emotions, use their unconditional kindness and attention and twist and turn it for one nights worth of (presumably drug-fueled) pleasure. You might have other people in your life around your little finger, where you can just apologise your way through the damage you cause, but I’m a lot stronger than you think, and so is Kel. Fuck up your own life mate, but stay away from mine. And with that I walk away.

Now it’s been 5 weeks, and not so much as a text message from N. I would understand if she had been in contact with Kel, but she hasn’t heard from her either. I’m left in the dark as to why that is the case, but I have my suspicions. If those suspicions are true, then I’m heartbroken that I’ve lost such an old friend... 6 years! I just thought N was a bigger person than that, I thought N was a stronger person than that. So in the words of Jeff Buckley, I guess this is our last goodbye.

The events of the last 6 months in particular have changed me forever. I honestly haven’t a clue what the future holds. As much as I am truly grateful for my loving wife, and the last remaining friends that have believed me and stuck by me, I haven’t felt this alone in a long time. It’s cathartic though, to start again, not knowing what the future holds, where I’ll live, what I’ll do with myself, who I will meet, and most importantly what kind of person I will be.

I’m doing OK though... truly. My mind is in a metamorphic state, and so not even I understand who I am at this point in time. I’m not quiet because I am upset, I am quiet because I don’t know in which direction I want to take the first step, or if I feel like taking a step at all. Those who know me and understand me will know that the best thing to do at this time is just... wait.

I'm letting everybody know that my birthday party this Saturday will also double as a farewell. I'll be moving to Newcastle through the months of April and May. This is a move that has been on the cards for about 6 months now, and whilst the timing couldn't be worse right now, it's something I've got to do. Kel is spending six weeks in New York, chilling out and visiting family. I would go with her, but money is tight, and I gotta stick around and take care of business. It's gonna be hell spending time apart.

Living in Sydney has not been a good fit for me. While I have made some great friends, made some amazing work contacts, and had some good times. The climate here is far too competitive for someone like me. I've been working harder than I ever have in my entire life and for the first time, feel like I have nothing to show for it. So I'm heading back to something more familiar, time to write, to photograph, to breathe.

For my professional contacts, do not fear, I will be making regular trips down the F3 for my regular club events, photo shoots, and general photography business, nothing changes there. In fact I'll be more available than ever in the month of May, I'm ready to work!

To all the DJs, artists, and generally the kids in clubland, you can't get rid of me that easily. I've been jumping up and down in sweaty clubs for 12 years and I'm not about to stop that now.

And to my friends... If I don't see you on Saturday night, never fear. I might be a little scarce while the money is low and so much going on, but stick around cause when the dust is settled I'll be calmer, more cashed up, and ready to go!

Cheers! :)

Got this link from Daniel Boud's twitter, and after watching it through, thought it would be the perfect way to start my entry. Because as a matter of fact, I'm in the same place Zack was in... right now.

The break has been fantastic. Last week Kel and I went up north, through Coffs Harbour, and then up to the Gold Coast, visiting friends along the way. We did some touristy stuff, went to Wet N Wild, Sea World, down to Cavill Ave, ate at restaurants, played some putt putt, walked on the beach, was all really nice.

I also got some time with Jordan and Lauren in Coffs, played around on Jordan's new decks and had great deep conversations with Lauren. Living out old times, I spent time with my old friend Arno up at the Gold Coast, watched movies, had lots of drinks, and a whole lotta laughs, reminded me of a more simple time before uni, and career, and travel, and responsibilities.

I loved the sea air, all the way up the coast, I didn't realise how much I really missed it. I missed the small town mentality, a slowing down of pace, people with manners. It allowed my mind the space to run free, room to move. With the mind free to think, it was working overtime, catching up on lost opportunities. I thought a lot about where I see myself in a few years, and what I want out of what's in front of me. Some things I feel more comfortable to turn my back on. No dramas, no stories, no long winded explanations, just walk away. Some things I just have to do for me, or rather I need to remember what it was like to just do things for me, that's more realistic.

I would like to say I'm a photographer. And on some level I'd be right, but not at the level that people wish me to be, or have the potential of having, or not even where I would like to be. Some work needs to be done, and to be honest have too many good things going for me to bet it all, I have too much to lose. So I accept my fate to a degree. I sell well, I talk well, I make people feel welcome and comfortable, and to that end make a great worker for retail and /or hospitality. Nevermind that it doesn't pay exceptionally well, or that the hours are far from ideal, it's what comes comfortable when you have to do something you don't wanna do 40 hours a week, and that's enough. So that's what I'll do until I can take the time to work on my craft, and have the skills to match the level at which I sell myself.

And as for the nightlife, the action, the hundreds of things I'm invited to do and see... It's just getting tired. The nightclubs I always have and always will be in it for the music, just the music. The action always has been and always will be about good friends, intense conversation, and intimate moments. And the hundreds of things to do and see... I have well and truly done, and these days feels like weight on my back.

So to that end... it's all about the love of friends, music, and my art. And nothing else matters. So that's where I'll be running.

This will officially be the retirement of 'untitled'...

To other people, they wont really see the significance of this act, but then again my reasons were never about other people. As explained in the second to last entry, 'the untitled' was about a certain frame of mind, maybe even a certain period of my life. I always enjoyed seeing myself as some sort of catalyst for a music group, even though I haven't played a note on anything other than a recorder in 1st Grade. But I always enjoyed the biographical story that goes along with the music group that stands the test of time, how they find themselves, how they find success, how they find inspiration, and eventually how they grow to move onto other things. If I were an artist, the band have decided to part ways, but will be rememebered fondly.

Before getting to the future, I would like to dispense with the past... It's been an eventful ride. From the humble beginnings of knowing just kate and phona as livejournal friends, making entries out of my best friends computer out of uni... to discovering the users that would go on to be my real life friends to this day. Then there was the online marketing research projects, using LiveJournal as a catalyst to research blog behaviour... My involvement in the Silverchair community... the mass friends list exodus when I offended Bec by making friends with her friends, the battle of the music elitists... yeah looking back... that was funny! Then there were my experiments for the my alternative journals, music communities, and blog syndications. The many profile and personal website changes. And ofcourse more recently the story of my romance, then wedding, then wife, then immigration woes, then heading to America. Even though many people are not around anymore to read this, thankyou for filling my days with drama, fun, and inspiration. Being 'the untitled' was fun, but now I'm not fooling anyone anymore.

Now looking forward... My new livejournal home is timmyspace modelled off my website www.timmyspace.com. Although my involvement in LJ is far less than it used to be, it pays to keep those updated on the travels of Kel and myself (although icedcherrylips does most of that for me). I have finally come up with a new online identity, and I can tell you now... 'ampersand'. You will find a tribute to my online identity on timmyspace.com. To compliment all of this, I'm finally working on two other websites, one of which is devoted to the twin wedding ceremonies for Kellie and I, the other is the life and times of the Johnston family, from the humble beginnings in 2003 and forward. In a few weeks they'll be fully functional. Lots of media involvement and weekly updates, include a full photo gallery and slideshows, weekly updated video podcasts, and mini movies. So look for a new white look at timmyspace, that will be the trigger for the new updates.

So in the same spirit of the untitled, overstating the understated... See ya soon to some, goodbye for others...

I've been thinking about my life, and how thing's are different. It's funny how the things in life that stick, are the things that don't come around the corner and knock you off your feet, they're the things that creep up on you, consume you. You don't go looking for things that matter, they find you...

'Untitled' was always about searching for solice without a label. To be uniquely hidden from any kind of box. I never did like boxes, or catergories, in fact I despised them. That might have been the anger of my youth lingering, or just the passion of misdirection. I was proud of it, I still think on it and smile, after all life has been good to me. But it's not me anymore...

I HAVE changed, I'm aware of that now, and so have the people around me. Some friends have grown with me, some have outgrown me, or me them. To that end, I am no longer untitled, I have names, and I'm proud to have them. I don't need anonymity anymore, I'm happy to expose myself, let people take a peek. So I think that 'untitled' is coming close to an end...

It's a chapter that I'll not forget, but it's time to close the book.

I was standing at my usual bus stop on a usual day, seeing the same regular commuters while the regular honking of horns, all trying to squeeze through a tiny pinhole, and on to the big bad 287 across the Tappan Zee and into the city. I started to think about what makes this place different to any other, and I'm starting to get more of an idea...
There are some interesting things to say about the United States, and the people that reside within it. The one thing I believe to be true, good or bad, is the unbelievable diversity this country provides. And the richest of those places has to be New York. You could say that franchises (not corporations) have taken over the country. Enterprise itself now has it's own freeze dried DIY add water and mix stick it in the microwave for 3 minutes and stir mentality. So while the USA has a diverse people, their everyday lives are being standardised into a strict list of instructions to abide by... But I believe NY is fighting the good fight.

Now I still remember the conversations with Don, talking about the New York versus NYC, and I understand where he's coming from now. But I think that despite the divide... when the franchises fall into a heap, New York will still be going strong. Every corner has a 'mom and pop' store. Every city block has a vendor doing what they can. Everyone is trying to make a living, and they're doing it their own way. Forget the high office in Manhattan, the rest of the city couldn't give a fuck about what Head Office thinks. This place is not just a large mass of people, this place is a large mass of spirited, diverse people. I have never seen enterprise more potent than in this place. It's amazing to think that on any given day, I can have a conversation with stranger and hear the most amazing stories. Whatever they do, they do with their whole heart, and I love that.
They dissociate themselves with the government, this is why Bush is still in power, they think of him more as fodder for late night talk shows, not a serious representative of their country. When they rebuilt after 9-11, they never spoke about Bush, they spoke about Guiliani, Why? Cause he lives here, he was the president for New Yorkers. This is probably why the US federal government can get away with so much, everyday people here don't see ANYTHING in common with the people behind the podium. In a way it's sad, but at least I know that their spirit is still well intact.

So that's what makes me love NY. Give 'em shitty weather, give 'em higher taxes, give 'em an insane government, give 'em old broken down services, give 'em transit strikes, FOX News, and the Knicks. They just shrug it off, stand at the bus stop, and wait with the rest of the regulars, ready for another day.

"So what do you do for a living?..."
"I cut and paste, and play in Photoshop"
I'm up for that response, I think I've found my calling...
Today was a yearly event for the company called the 'Breakfast of Champions'. It basically calls in the real estate agents from all around the region, recognise achievements, get to know each other, and the like...
It was at the Hyatt in Greenwich, Connecticut. This is in a very well-to-do area in a very well to do Hotel. It was impressed, I had a good time. Lots of big cheering and pats on backs and all that kinda shit, but I had fun. I actually spent most of my working week preparing our branch's tilt at the award for best effort at the event. I did what I was told. Can you make this sign? We need some more screen prints for t-shirts, is it possible to put this in cardboard? I started to think... Do you want me to go and do my actual job? But if I'm getting paid to do arts and crafts, then hand me a pair of scissors and a coffee.
Didn't get a lot of sleep this week. Combination of getting back to a 6am start schedule, and looking after a sick wife will give you a little sleep deprivation. Needless to say I'm enjoying the afternoon nap, even if I know it's bad for me.
I love technology, there's something quite special about rattling around in a New York bus, surrounded by Non-Caucasians and thick accents, but listening to Roy and H.G taking the piss out of John Hopoate. I doubt there are many people in the world who can boast that.
I caught a bit of 'Live Forever' today, it's really interesting to listen to a certain musical 'period' in retrospect. I guess now that counts 2 major 'scenes' in my mature lifetime... Grunge and Britpop. This begs the question... when's the next one? Or am I too old now to recognise when a 'scene' is upon us. Pop music doesn't count, pop music is what happens when nobody has any ideas. Atleast a 'scene' is originally based on an interesting idea, original or otherwise. I have this funny feeling that the closest thing we've got is a technologically advanced 80's revival. I think I lot of dance and electronic music that is getting around is basically what the 80's electronic artists would have produced had they had the technology we have now. We need a movement, I'm too much of a sheep to come up with my own ideas.

You know you've had a big weekend when you walk into the kitchen and see hair on a plate.

It was only Kel's hair drying, she got a very funky haircut and is giving the hair to a cancer charity for wigs. It's only 10 inches, but I heard 10 inches can go a long way *boom ching*. And no we didn't have a big weekend, but the fact that I had a weekend was a feat in itself.

I woke up on Saturday morning after sleeping in, went for a drive to the bank to drop off some money, then proceded to go with Kel and Mum while they got their hair done. Yunno usual Saturday morning chores. I haven't experienced a nice weekend since the days of King Street, and going to Uni.
To show off Kel's new 'do', we went for a meal at Chilli's. This place happens to be my favourite chain thingy family restaurant. Ran into a old workmate from Best Buy, told me all the dramas that seem to never end at that place. Made me realise how glad I'm NOT part of it. Came back home to finalise all my eBay auctions. Yes I'm getting another phone, don't look like you're shocked.



Been playing with my iPod lately, just to see how much mileage i can get outta it. I have now successfully got my Nano syncing my entire contact and calendar list between my home and work computer (thanks to Plaxo - yeah that weird email y'all got a few weeks back), file storage for my design stuff at work (did I mention I have two colour laser printers in my office, one with wax based ink), music storage for not only at home and on the road (I only just discovered you can browse and play your music on your iPod through iTunes when hooked up) but also on my work computer because it happens to have a pair of speakers with it. Let me just say that I am SET! And then I've just started getting into Podcasts. I've managed to get all the Triple J podcasts on my iPod. It's great to get a little more Oz in my life. Please if anyone knows of some cool Podcasts I'm not aware of, let me know. The last of my techo obsessions lately, is getting my music and picture collection prepped for Windows Media Center. For those who care, go to your local computer outlet and or go to the Microsoft website and get a demo of it. I plan to get that cranking for our entertainment system, wall mounted flat screen and all! Can't wait to entertain with all that shit at our fingertips. Also handy for our music loving friends who don't like iPods ;) Anyway enough techo talk... I can already see Kel yawning.

My work... rules! Well it's early days but I don't hate it so it's a start. I have a little office, in which contains my workstation, two colour printers, and all the different papers, folders, and other stationary for the job. My job description is officially a Marketing Co-ordinator for a big real estate firm, but I'm also known as a Doors Tech. Apparently 'Doors' was the system way back when this all started. My job is essentially to post and maintain listings, construct portfolios for the agents, and co-ordinate mail outs. 25 hours a week would normally seem like not enough time to do this for about 20 agents, but the centralised web system they got is actually very good. Most of them whatever you need to do involves a web wizard where you enter the property information and it auto populates everything into the right fields. Then all I have to do is take the printouts, insert then into the A3 portfolio templates, bind up the marketing folder and break up the business cards and they're done. The mail outs are already outsourced, all I gotta do is get the agents to let me know where they want certain shit mailed, insert the appropriate design for what they want, insert the property and the outsourcing company does the rest, even the mailing! They only other stuff they get me to do is work on property images, and play with publisher. Can you see why I might like this job? Oh I did I mention the coffee flows like water my friend.

All in all ... a pretty fuckin sweet week!

So I get the phone call this morning... Can you start tomorrow? Abso-fuckin-lutely
I haven't been sleeping great the last couple of nights, so i decided to kick back and get some sleep, I feel pretty good.
The job title is marketing co-ordinator for a real estate firm. My job (from what I've got so far) is simply to provide support to the sales staff by co-ordinating all the tools used to sell homes. That is... leaflets, portfolio, image editing, and mailouts. The job is 25 hours a week, 9-2 Monday to Friday. They may need me to hang around in the afternoon if stuff needs to be done. I'm getting $12 an hour which is more than what I was getting at Best Buy AFTER the promotion. I can't believe I get the weekend. You gotta realise that the last time I experienced an actual weekend was my last week at NIB in September 2003. If anything it's a good start, I'll let you know how it goes.
Been making some changes to my LiveJournal over the last couple of days. Soon as I get my access passwords back I'll update my homepage too. Feel free to give them a bit of a look. Decided to take the black out of many things, it's a light metaphor for how I'm feeling.
With the many possibilities of employment for both Kel and I, rebates on their way, eBay sales, combined with the fact that with tax returns coming and going, it's difficult to pin down a date as to when we're heading back. And rather than change the date again not being confident that I'll have to change it again, I'm going to leave the date open ended. And besides, the more I think about it, the longer it will take to get there, and I wont enjoy my time here.
The cold snap is about to ease up a little. Recently we've haven't seen a day in the positive temps, getting as low as -10 at night. It'll be good to see the days hit single digits again. I'm very much looking forward to summer, my skins misses the sun beaming on it, and I miss sleeping with the windows open.

Of a list the things I do best, words like 'adapt', 'chameleon', 'flexible' seem to rise to the top of that list. I quite like those descriptions, it's something I can be proud of. But methinks I may have been trying to do too much of this lately. The wonderful thing about my friends and my family, is that they keep me grounded, they let me know where I come from, what makes me tick. I may have been guilty of possibly trying too hard to adapt to the American way of life. I get very critical of myself if I don't understand culture differences right away, and I feel too self conscious about things I may think or say about the American culture that simply don't agree with me. There are some lovely and exciting things about this country that I recognise, and openly love. But I don't have to love everything about it. And to be blunt, not everyone has to love me either.
So I thought about it some, and I've come to a conclusion...
It would be better for me to make a million mistakes, fumble and fuck up regular life in the USA as the Aussie I have been, than to try and impress myself and change my demeanour to suit the behaviour of those around me. If I call a shopping cart a trolley, then I'm allowed. If I spell colour with a 'u' then no one's going to send me away. If people have no fucking idea what I'm talking about, it's not my fault they can't understand my brilliantly unique accent. I'm not going to have a problem repeating myself over and over again, so I might as well fuck it up good and proper. I don't have to enjoy the beer they might have available. I might go through 7 jobs while I'm here just because I can't be satisfied with the work conditions laid out before me, and I wont accept the statement "that's just the way things are round here". I'm not going to feel bad about comparing the governments, TV shows, road conditions, or even the ridiculously full toilet bowl. Sure I'm not going to crap on about it to everyone, after all I'm not a whinging Pom. But I'm certainly not going to feel bad for thinking it.
And after I thought about coming to some sort of understanding about this, a weight lifted off me. I mean let's face it, I might have a green card, but I'm still a tourist, and here I always will be.

Note: Personal shit about to hit your screen, ignore if required

Everyone has a story to tell, everyone has been through hell, and everyone has found their way. I'm no beautiful and unique snowflake, but I'm no exception to this fact. It has been noted over the years, and none so much like LiveJournal friends, that I have my dark moments. But I also have my moments of clarity. I mean after all, you can't have one without the other... right?
Most misunderstandings with me, stem from the one single fact that I'm thought to change everything around me. Most people have fallen into friendships rather quickly with me, but have taken no time to fall right back out again. If you talked to me 4 years ago, it would have little effect on me. But now the stakes are higher. I have lifelong friendships, and more importantly... a loving wife. Kel and I try to keep our personal affairs away from LJ as much as possible. After all do you really need to hear about every fight and soppy moment we have. Married couples are often thought to fall into this big cheesy cliché, we do not want to be one of those couples.
I will say that after a demanding week or two, our emotions have been knocked from pillar to post. I'm mentally exhausted, often finding myself trailing off looking into space a lot of the time. I can't concentrate, I'm getting headaches, and I'm very lethargic. Now please let me state for the record that things are pretty sweet right now. I just scored a new job, my wife and mum in-law are constantly looking after me, and I'm warm and comfortable. But I feel for Kel, a little more than a may need to sometimes. I've been guilty of maybe not letting her figure shit out for herself, because when I do, she's amazing. Like a cat, that girl always have that instinct of falling on her feet, and it's all her, I'm actually really proud of her. This is all if I let her.
So we fight sometimes, we're all the same that way. The issue that keeps coming up is the same one that's been plaguing me practically my whole life. I have been reluctant to speak about it... until now... It's time I got it out there...
I have a problem, interfering in people's affairs. Whether it be trying to solve other people's problems, or getting them to see things my way, or just trying to hurry them up from feeling hurt or rejected. I'm sure every friend on my list (or anyone who knows me) can easily recall at least one situation where they can say they have experienced this from me. First of all let me apologise from all the times I have ever done this to you, I did have the best of intentions, I'm aware that I do it, and it's one of the very last things in my life I hate myself for.
I was only aware about it when I went to see the last councillor I visited back in 2002/2003, but I never dare talk about outside those walls. The best way I can explain why I do this probably traces back to the death of my mother back in 1991. I didn't get along with a lot of kids at school. I was a mummy's boy, I used to cry a lot, I was spoilt, and I took advantage of my mother's love sometimes. I had 3 best friends before high school. Each one left my school within about 2 years of my friendship. While I know that it had nothing to do with me, when you're 9 years old, it's very hard to understand when things get really good why those you are close have to go away. So when Mum left us, I vowed never to let anything get away from me without a fight. I figure that if I'm to care, I have to try and solve every problem. The more I try, the more I care. In a small way it's my way of showing how devoted I am, and how much I care. It also has a tendency to backfire.
This explains why I love to be social. I must ensure that everyone in the room has been taken care of, has been spoken to. I've also been guilty of trying to bring together friendships from all walks of life, some with disastrous results. An old friend once told me that when they talk to me, they feel like the funniest person in the room. Others comment about how comfortable they feel around me. I guess this is the thing that used to drive me to keep going. I think if people admire me for these qualities then why change. I feel good and they feel good. But then friends, ex-lovers and girlfriends never stayed with me for very long, because as quickly as they became my friend, they would do a 180 and get outta there, I get too personal too quickly, I get involved in affairs I really shouldn't have. I have explosive arguments with friends, who haven't really done anything wrong, just because they want time to emote, and figure things out in their own way. Back then I would hurt those who didn't have a great impact in my life... but now... it's a different ballgame.
I just wanted to say that I know I do it, and in many ways and deeply in sorrow for it. But I'm not sure if I want to change it. It makes me a deeply intense, passionate, and loving person, even if it does often come off misguided. But while I'm getting it out there I just wanted to explain myself, and that I'm trying for all the right reasons, and I hope everyone can see that.